ChaoticMinds

By Heather

I fell in love with a firefighter.

It was so unexpected when we locked eyes for 30 seconds. It was that exact moment that my heart fell into my chest and I just knew that I instantly loved him. There was just one issue. How could I love someone who is taken? I wouldn’t call it woman’s intuition. I would say it was just a feeling and sadly I was right.

Some would say that when it comes to love, I was a mastermind. My being a Scorpio gave me that advantage, and somehow I had perfected my gift. Not just in my love life, I could read the chemistry between two people if one of them are close to me. It could be something that others would consider to be hidden, and with my bluntness, I would bring it to the light. I learned the craft of getting whatever information that I wanted out of anyone. I became an expert at combining the emotions that are shown with what is being said and body language to know what someone is really feeling.

Amancia is this short stubborn chocolate Jamaican Sagittarius that I have grown to love. Our relationship is always full of life. We argue like we were sisters, but it is always in a playful manner.

As soon as we opened the door to the chow hall building, I seen him washing his hands. My heart instantly started skipping beats. All my blood rushed from my head making me extremely lightheaded. I had to look away and focus on what Amancia was saying to me in order for me not to pass out.

“Messiah?” she asked looking at me with concern.

I looked at her puzzlingly to let her know to repeat what she has said to me.

“Say something. You can speak to him you know?” she stated sarcastically.

Yes, my name is Messiah. I am 5 foot 2 inches, so I guess I am considered short to everyone else. My biological father is Haitian and my biological mother is mixed. When I was younger and would ask what I was, my mother would just call me a mutt.

“Hey Saeed.” Amancia said to the firefighter.

Saeed turned around to see who spoke to him.

“Oh wassup.” He stated kindly.

I just smiled at him and looked away. I could never make eye contact with him since the day that I fell for him. I felt like the moment I looked at him again, my heart would break because I just know he is in a relationship.

Amancia and I grabbed our food, and sat down at a table.

“I am going to ask him to sit with us.” She said to me.

I looked at her with pleading eyes, but knowing Amancia she wouldn’t care. She wanted her way which is for me to talk to him. To actually hold a conversation. To not be so scared to talk to him. How do I explain to her the real reason why I don’t want to say anything to him? How do I tell her that I am in love with him? How do I tell her that I know for a fact that he is in a relationship and I don’t want to risk my heart being broken? How do I explain that I want all of him, how I want him to love me as well, that I want to spend the rest of my life with him? I can’t explain that to her. It’s not that I think that she won’t understand. She may understand. It’s just that it sounds insane. I sound crazy.

Amancia motioned for Saeed to join our table.

“Can y’all pretend to know us so we can have somewhere to sit?” Saeed said while setting his tray down in the seat directly to the left of me.

I had barely touched my food, but my appetite quickly vanished and I felt my body become flushed. Saeed walked away to get something to drink. As soon as he was gone, I looked at Amancia with so a combination of anger and anxiety. I could tell I made her feel guilty because of the look of apology on her face.

Saeed came back within minutes with two bottles of water. The wall was to the right of me. I didn’t slide the chair closer to the wall, but I positioned my body closer to the wall so that I was sitting with one side of my butt on the chair –as far away from Saeed as I could go without looking to crazy.

Saeed sat down and introduced his coworkers. I can’t remember any of their names because I zoned out. My eyes was focused on his lips, the sculpt of his face, and his beautiful brown eyes. I smiled at them. Gratefully, Amancia introduced me since she knew of them.

“This is Messiah.”  She stated.

I was holding my chin in my hand with my elbow leaning on the table. When Amancia introduced me, I lifted my head off of my hand and with a fake smile on my face I politely waved.

My anxiety was so apparent. I could not sit still. My right leg was shaking. I guess my face had nervous, and anxiety written all over it.

“Are you okay?” Saeed asked me.

I chuckled. “Do I look like something is wrong?” I asked him.

“Yes. You look scared.”

That surprised me. I instantly hated myself. I tried to play it off without my voice staggering.

“Do I really?” I asked.

He smiled causing my heart to flip.

“Yes. You look like you just saw a ghost.” He chuckled.

I just smiled and looked away.

“So, Saeed…” Amancia started. “You have an admirer.” She said with a smile.

“No I don’t. I look ugly.” He said laughing.

“No, you seriously do have someone that has a huge crush on you.” She said.

I cannot accurately describe the embarrassment that I felt.  I cannot accurately describe what my heart was doing in my chest. I cannot explain to you how even with my soft brown complexion, all the melanin in my skin disappeared.

“Can I get your number?” she asked him.

“Yea.” He said grabbing his phone and handing it to Amancia as she copied his number into her phone.

Saeed and the rest of his coworkers finished up with eating their food, said their goodbyes, and left. I slumped back into my chair feeling my entire body relax. I looked up at Amancia.

“Are you not going to eat?” she asked me.

I stood up, grabbing my tray full of food.

“No ma’am. I don’t have an appetite.” I responded as I began walking to the door.

Amancia was right behind me as we began to walk back to her room.

“How do you know them?” I asked her.

“I escorted them when they helped put the lockers in the rooms.” She said to me.

Amancia and I walked to her room. I plopped down on her bed. I pulled out my phone and began scrolling down my Instagram. Amancia sat in a chair beside her bed.

“You know I’m not going to apologize right?” She asked me.

I looked up at her wondering how we are still friends.

“You humiliated me.” I stated as blankly as I could attempting to keep all my anger in my chest.

“Well, he thinks your beautiful.” She stated with a smile handing me her phone.

I read the messages on her phone. She had already began texting him about me. The further down I got, the happier I got. He told her that he thought I was beautiful and that I could’ve told him myself.

“Ask him if he is dealing with anyone.” I told her handing her back her phone.

I knew that this was a huge risk, because I know that he is. I tried to prepare myself for the answer. Amancia looked at the response that he sent her with disappointment. She handed me back the phone.

No matter how much I tried to prepare myself, I still felt my heart drop a little bit.

As women, we have morals. We have standards that we feel is important for us. It is deeper than what people would consider to be a “girl’s code”. It is things that we have experienced before that we wouldn’t dare want to be the reason that another woman has to go through that same situation. I read what he said over and over again in my mind. If they are on and off for eight years, they aren’t going to work. They aren’t going to get married. If they were, they would’ve been married by now.

So there went my morals. There went all the things that I believed I would never do. All because of this one guy. This one man.

“I think you should still talk to him.” She stated seriously.

“Why do you think that?” I asked her.

“Because, when they go off again, you can slide right in.” she said.

I laughed at the way that her statement came out. I didn’t tell her that I planned on talking to him before she said that. It just made me feel better that she felt that way…even if she didn’t know what my real intentions were. I didn’t plan on breaking them up, I just wanted him to catch feelings for me. I can be manipulative in that way. When I want someone or something, I am determined to get it.

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