ChaoticMinds

By Heather

Disclaimer: I am not singling anyone out and I am not bashing the army or my unit. I am speaking from my experience and front the way that I feel. BUT if the shoe fits wear it.

 

I joined the army out of fear of going to school because of a lot of things that I have been through as a young child. I am the first to admit that I am scarred from not only my child hood, but the things that has happened which reminds me of my childhood.People are so quick to judge me, so quick to call me mean or selfish, but where are the same people when I am the first person to give my last even when I’m struggling?

Where were these people when I was a toddler being molested by older men and teenagers? Where were these people when my biological mother was strung out on drugs and fed me a lot of bullshit so that I would believe her only for me to grow older and realize the truth on my own. To consistently be told that I cannot think for myself and that I am being brainwashed by my siblings just because she was too dumb and stupid and stuck in denial to see that she was the parent that fucked up. Where were these people when I got put in foster care and had the workers at the group home threaten to kill my brother and me not be able to do anything about it? Where were these people when I was treated like a fucking slave by my biological cousin– betweenthe ages of 5-8 cleaning after grown ass adults and learning how to care for new born babies? Where were these people when I watched my brother, who suffered from bad asthma, get slammed on the floor and watch my cousins then husband step on his neck while he screamed that he couldn’t breathe? Where were these people when I would be on the school bus getting touched by middle schoolers and high schoolers because my breasts developed faster than other children my age? Where were these people when I moved and the FIRST day of my fifth-grade year on the bus someone touches me between my legs? Where were these people when I would be terrified to walk into McDonald’s by myself being a teenager because I’m so use to people sexually harassing me? Being told that I was either going to starve or go in there and not caring about WHY I was scared.Where were these people when I would get hit on in front of my then foster parents by men that were old enough to be my grandparents or parents? Where were these people to defend mewhen I would get into arguments with the same foster parents, the people who were supposed to take care of me, would throw the fact that my mother is a drug abuser and alcoholic and my father is a sexual predator– with me learning about it at that moment? Where were these people when I didn’t have nice clothes to wear to school because my breast was too big for my body so my foster parents made me dress like an old woman which made my breast look bigger? Where were these people when the same exact foster parents threatened to shoot my brother in the head and then tried to attack. me? Where were these people when I was a child and I watch my mother get her ass beaten and helping my brother and sister run around the house to lock the guy outside only for him to come break back into the house anyway? Where were these people when I was told so many times that I wasn’t worth anything, that the only thing I would be good for is laying on my back no matter how much I tried to please other people? Where were these people when I would sit in the corner of my room and cry my eyes out because I always felt so alone, when I was always scared and unable to defend myself? Where were these people when I would get bullied at school for the way that I dressed because I didn’t have any clothes or bullied about how developed my body was for my young age? Where were these people when I knew it wasn’t ok for people to touch me or that I knew it wasn’t ok for people to talk sexually to me at a young age but I was introduced to it so young and was too scared to say anything or to stop it? Where were these people when I got in high school and my biological mom bullied the fuck out of me to where I would cry at school to my mom and my sister? Where were these people when I had to learn how a female should act so late in my life? Where were these people when I would want to die almost every day but too scared to take my own life? Where were these people when I was terrified to go to college alone because I’m so use to people taking advantage of me so I joined the military instead?

MY personal experience in the military has been a living hell for me. I get it, I’m not the most high-speed soldier. I am not the best at my fucking job. I am not the best at pt. But in the beginning I genuinely tried. I did everything I was asked to do no matter how dumb I thought it was. There hasn’t been a day that has went by that I haven’t hated my life. As soon as I get to my unit there’s a sharp complaint that I DIDNT FILE! A lieutenant filed it because of what someone else said about me but because I was attached to it I looked like a troubled soldier.Being that I was the only female in my platoon for a while I felt looked down upon because I wasn’t the best at pt, I struggled with so much bullshit. I stayed to myself all the time and somehow still ended up in drama. I had ONE great platoon Sgt and ONE great 1sg. And I miss them every day and wish they could come back! If it isn’t one thing it’s another for me. After a while your motivation goes down. I fucked up and got married to someone who was with me because he had nothing to fall back on. My entire marriage I paid for almost everything. MY credit was on the line because of everything! MY mental state was shot. Nobody cared to figure out why I was drinking almost every day or why I was barely eating. Nobody even noticed that I was cutting myself when the scars were always so fucking obvious. Nobody cared when I drank so much to where I was going to drive my fucking car into my house but someone the emergency break stopped the car right before it could even touch the house. I own up to my mistake in getting married.

Now this fucking deployment…. how do you stay motivated when your NCO is just as bad at pt as you are but expects you to want to do their pt session? How do you stay motivated when your NCO isn’t MOS qualified but expects you to be put into a position where they critique you on your MOS? How do you stay motivated when your NCO is constantly poking at you like you’re not a human being? How do you stay motivated when your leadership sits and plots on the downfall of soldiers within your company and expects you to believe that they care about your best interest? How do you stay motivated when your leadership tells you that you’re going to fail or that you will get kicked out of the army or constantly makes you feel like nothing you do is ever good enough? How do you stay motivated when you tried using the chain to get your issues fixed but they shit in your face and make you feel worse so you keep all this inside of you? How do you stay motivated when your leadership pretends to give a fuck about the soldiers to THEIR leadership which makes them look good but in reality, MULTIPLE soldiers underneath them can see the bullshit and because of the TRUE nature of the army can’t do anything about it? When is enough,enough? When is it ok to stand up for yourself because your human and you can only take so much without your leadership using their rank in attempt to intimidate you? When is it ok to say how you truly feel without the fear of being kicked out of the army? When is it ok to breathe and not walk on eggshells because your chain is very spiteful?

I’ve always felt like I had nobody in my corner and I still feel the same way. Everyone expects me to reach out to them and remember holidays and everything like that but I have been going through hell. I never realized how much it would hurt to be forgotten about the small things … especially during this deployment. How is it that you see everyone wishing happy Veterans Day but only two people said anything to me, one that isn’t even your family How is it that only three people wished me happy birthday? How is it that I give people money all the time and yet no one thinks to check up on me or thinks to see how I’m doing? How is it that all the days blend together here and I’m always tired and busy but everyone expects me to make time to talk to them which includes staying up late as hell because of the time difference? How many times has anyone ever stayed up late to talk to me to help me out? Or even reached out to me for that matter… or even understand that I am busy sometimes but I still would like to feel like. I’m remembered?How is it that no one checked to see if I needed anything being that I am not able to get all the necessities that I need in Iraq? How is it that I literally never ask for anything from anybody but I’m struggling with my dogs because of my divorce but everyone expects me to pay a couple grand for plane tickets to come home and visit everyone who hasn’t said shit to me or reached out to me MY ENTIRE MILITARY CAREER!! AND expects me to come with gifts and shit. How many times has anyone gotten me anything since I’ve been in the military? How many times has anyone came to visit me? Who came to my AIT graduation? Who came to fort hood for the past 2 and a half years to visit how I was doing? How many people knows that I’ve thought over and over about killing myself because I’m so fucking miserable and I have absolutely no reason to be on this fucking earth? How many people have actually given one fuck about me????????

I am not one for self-pity. I’m not asking no one for an apology. I’m not asking no one for their help or for their sympathy or anything. I own up to my failures in my life and the situations that I have put myself in. I own up to my part whole heartedly. I don’t EVER want anyone to ever say I’m mean or selfish again!I’ve given so much for so many people and have asked for NOTHING in returned. You never know what someone is going through or dealing with. And sometimes we may not want to talk about it. It is just the fact that everyone expects so much out of me but don’t think for a second about how I am doing. Want so much from me but don’t ask me if I need something as simple as hair gel for this deployment. Even if I say no, it’s the fucking thought that counts. I am not saying that I am entitled to anything. Im just saying it would feel nice ONCE in my life to feel like I am making somebody proud, or that I am actually doing something right in my life in somebody’s eyes. And many people wonder why so many people commit suicide. It’s because in actuality NOBODY GIVES A FUCK!

If I die today, don’t tell me how much I meant to you when I was alive because I am alive now. When im dead its going to be too late. If I die from taking my own life, don’t say that I took the selfish way out because I didn’t think about the people that loves me and what they would think because where are these “so called people” when I am alive? Don’t come to my funeral saying that you feel like you blame yourself or no shit like that because at the end of the day, a simple HEY SHEA, or HOW IS YOUR DAY, or SOMETHING would have sufficed. We don’t have to talk about whats wrong with me. We don’t have to talk about why im depressed. We don’t have to talk about what imdealing with. Just knowing that the person is reaching out to me is all that matters. Its literally the thought that counts. Me just hearing you talking about how successful you are or how your family is doing can make me feel better. A simple conversation that doesn’t have to do anything with me is enough.

Like I said before if the shoe fits then wear it. Just think about the people who go through shit and where their mindset is.

If you read this feeling bad, please don’t reach out to me like you care now because it will be ignored…it is what it is.

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