Rejection

A conversation to Rejection

Each time I feel you its brand new. I prepare myself to constantly feel the hurt. It’s not like I don’t know what you feel like. But somehow this time around, just like every other time, it’s as if I’ve never experienced you.
What’s wrong with me?
What about me makes it so easy for me to come back to you?
Why is it that you, rejection, accepts me for who I am but the world cannot?
Why is it that it is your love that I constantly feel in all aspects of my life?
Why does your love feel so lonely?
Why am I only good enough for you?
Why am I only capable of settling down with you?
If that’s the case, we should go ahead and tie the knot and make you my forever since you’re the only love I have truly experienced.
At least you haven’t walked away from me.
I could just give myself to you and disappear from the world for there is nothing about me the world will miss.
Just fulfill the monogamous relationship that I’ve always wanted with you.
I will write my vows for you now and we can jump the broom for tradition.
I’m sorry for trying to be happy without you.
I will never hurt you again.
I promise to never give myself to anything or anyone else.
I promise to stop crying so that I won’t feel a little relief.
I promise that I will continue to have no energy and stay forever tired.
To never fall in love with anyone but you.
To give up the few family and friends that I have.
I wont push to achieve what I want out of life like children, animals, a career, and a healthy relationship.
I will not fight the darkness that constantly surrounds me but instead engulf myself in it every day and night.
I promise not to open up to anyone else.
I’m sorry for telling our secrets because they were not mine to share.
I won’t try and cry out for help.
Swallow me whole if that’s what you want.
Submerge me into your depths.
Keep me cold at night with no warm body to balance my temperature.
Whenever you are ready, we can explore polygamy with depression, anxiety, mood swings, fatigue, and sleep deprivation.
Give anxiety permission to keep my mind captive, so that sleep deprivation keeps me wide awake having to deal with everything that my mind is thinking; causing fatigue to keep me imprisoned all day aiding to the constant mood swings that is already a constant battle within itself; all combining together cooking up a pot of depression which leads to me feeling unwanted and brings me back to you, my one and only, rejection.
Continue to make me feel like I am constantly running out of time to get anything done when in actuality I’m wasting hours out of my day by being busy shutting myself in from the sun by closing my blinds and cuddling with you while we receive the darkness with Open arms.
Make me numb to the warmth the sun may bring and keep me colder than a moonless night.
Help me welcome the pain that symbolizes love in our relationship.
Let me fill your belly with the pain that is fed to me on a cracked glass plate.
Let the pain turn into sexual pleasure that satisfies all your needs.
Continue to confuse my mind on what exactly bothers me so when I am asked “what is wrong” I have no definite answer causing people to take me as a person seeking attention while I knowingly watch you grin in the back of my conscious because you know I hate attention.
Its only because you’re jealous.
You want to be the only person that has my attention and that’s okay.
Just continue to keep me isolated.
Just continue to make me feel unwanted.
Make me feel as you do so perfectly.
Like I am nothing, not important in anyone’s life.
Like I am the butt to every joke and you will continue to keep me all yours.
Rejection, I am all yours.

Published by Heather Dodson-Frazier

Hello Readers, My name is Heather. My birthday is in November making me a Scorpio. I am currently serving active duty in the army. I love animals, I love cooking, and I love to write. I fall in love easily, and even if it doesn’t work out I always leave an impact on the person I fell in love for. I see the good in everyone which can be a good and bad thing. I have decided to create this blog to share my thoughts with the world. This blog is named ChaoticMinds because that describes me perfectly. My mind is always all over the place. I am a very emotional being and I express the way I feel through writing. This blog is going to be very personal. I am forcing myself out of my comfort zone, and sharing my ChaoticMind with you guys so that anyone who can relate can see that they are not alone. I would like to mention, that although this blog is going to be personal, please realize that it is writing. Some things will not be real. When I say personal, I love to mix my reality with my mind. The blogs that you will read will have my reality mixed with thoughts that I feel sound good in writing. My thoughts are always all over the place, my sentence structure will not be correct, my grammar will be all wrong, I may use too many commas or have run on sentences. The way my mind works is the way I write. (Although, I do a lot better when I have professional writing that needs to be done.) Most of the blogs that I will post will be relateable. My goal is to allow others that have experienced similar situations in life to realize that there is someone out in this world that understands them. If you plan on allowing children on my blog, please monitor what they read. A lot of things will be sexual and dark. Being that I am a Scorpio, those are two of my main qualities. Feel free to contact me with topics that you would love for me to discuss. I will love for this blog to be interactive. You can ask me any questions that you like, and I promise in return to be as honest as possible. I have recently added a new page about my natural hair and have plans on adding my weight loss journey. This is going to wrapped around a lot of things. Please enjoy and SHARE SHARE SHARE! -Heather

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