ChaoticMinds

By Heather

A conversation to Rejection

Each time I feel you its brand new. I prepare myself to constantly feel the hurt. It’s not like I don’t know what you feel like. But somehow this time around, just like every other time, it’s as if I’ve never experienced you.
What’s wrong with me?
What about me makes it so easy for me to come back to you?
Why is it that you, rejection, accepts me for who I am but the world cannot?
Why is it that it is your love that I constantly feel in all aspects of my life?
Why does your love feel so lonely?
Why am I only good enough for you?
Why am I only capable of settling down with you?
If that’s the case, we should go ahead and tie the knot and make you my forever since you’re the only love I have truly experienced.
At least you haven’t walked away from me.
I could just give myself to you and disappear from the world for there is nothing about me the world will miss.
Just fulfill the monogamous relationship that I’ve always wanted with you.
I will write my vows for you now and we can jump the broom for tradition.
I’m sorry for trying to be happy without you.
I will never hurt you again.
I promise to never give myself to anything or anyone else.
I promise to stop crying so that I won’t feel a little relief.
I promise that I will continue to have no energy and stay forever tired.
To never fall in love with anyone but you.
To give up the few family and friends that I have.
I wont push to achieve what I want out of life like children, animals, a career, and a healthy relationship.
I will not fight the darkness that constantly surrounds me but instead engulf myself in it every day and night.
I promise not to open up to anyone else.
I’m sorry for telling our secrets because they were not mine to share.
I won’t try and cry out for help.
Swallow me whole if that’s what you want.
Submerge me into your depths.
Keep me cold at night with no warm body to balance my temperature.
Whenever you are ready, we can explore polygamy with depression, anxiety, mood swings, fatigue, and sleep deprivation.
Give anxiety permission to keep my mind captive, so that sleep deprivation keeps me wide awake having to deal with everything that my mind is thinking; causing fatigue to keep me imprisoned all day aiding to the constant mood swings that is already a constant battle within itself; all combining together cooking up a pot of depression which leads to me feeling unwanted and brings me back to you, my one and only, rejection.
Continue to make me feel like I am constantly running out of time to get anything done when in actuality I’m wasting hours out of my day by being busy shutting myself in from the sun by closing my blinds and cuddling with you while we receive the darkness with Open arms.
Make me numb to the warmth the sun may bring and keep me colder than a moonless night.
Help me welcome the pain that symbolizes love in our relationship.
Let me fill your belly with the pain that is fed to me on a cracked glass plate.
Let the pain turn into sexual pleasure that satisfies all your needs.
Continue to confuse my mind on what exactly bothers me so when I am asked “what is wrong” I have no definite answer causing people to take me as a person seeking attention while I knowingly watch you grin in the back of my conscious because you know I hate attention.
Its only because you’re jealous.
You want to be the only person that has my attention and that’s okay.
Just continue to keep me isolated.
Just continue to make me feel unwanted.
Make me feel as you do so perfectly.
Like I am nothing, not important in anyone’s life.
Like I am the butt to every joke and you will continue to keep me all yours.
Rejection, I am all yours.

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